Incidents like the one on the bike happen all the time. Sometimes he ignores me in the physical sense described on the beach trip, and sometimes he ignores me emotionally. OK, he almost always ignores me emotionally. About a year ago, I was crying and begging him to pay some attention to me. After a decade of marriage, we were no closer to each other than we were when we married. Sure, we had a history and shared memories, but we didn’t have the sort of emotional bond that comes with a long-term relationship. I asked him why he couldn’t care for me tenderly. Why he didn’t show an interest in how I felt. Why, every time I shared my thoughts on something, he chose to play devil’s advocate marginalize my point of view? Why wouldn’t he be my best friend, and the guy who always has my back? His answer was simple, truthful and non-emotional: “I don’t need that. You need to get that kind of fulfillment from your friends.” I was devistated. Through his Apserger’s eyes, he not only didn’t see that this was an unnatural way for a man to feel toward his wife, he didn’t understand at all that this would be hurtful to me. He was so matter-of-fact; so impatient with my requests for things he cannot give. He so desperately wanted me to be happy with what we have, and to go away so he could finish watching his TV show. Financing our life is his contribution to our home. period.
I did go away. For the next several weeks, I spent every evening in our home office, emailing friends, locating old friends from childhood, high school, college and any other place I could think of. I was desperately lonely, deeply hurt, and furiously angry. He seemed not to care – or even notice – that I had removed myself from the family room where he sat like a robot glued to CNN and PBS (he loves the picture-in-picture feature). After looking under every rock for someone who would talk to me and understand my feelings, I found him. Someone who was equally lonely and a safe enough distance away that we could talk openly, unedited, about our feelings and thoughts on life, love, kids, the universe, money, sex, ambition, education, loyalty, friends, food, housekeeping, recipes, and anything else we could think of. He was the antithesis of Jack, and he was my savior. And a siren.
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