So, WTF is Asperger’s?

I borrowed the following information about Asperger’s, and what it’s like for a neuro-typical (NT) woman to be married to an Asperger’s man, From Dr. Kathy Marshack. Since I am no doctor, I thought it best to just copy and paste this directly from ivillage.com, where it originally appeared.

Welcome to my world.

Frequently Asked Questions on Asperger Syndrome
Dr. Kathy J. Marshack, Ph.D., P.S.

1. What is Asperger Syndrome?
Asperger Syndrome (AS) is the term applied to the high functioning end of what is known
as the spectrum of pervasive developmental disorders or the Autism spectrum.
Asperger syndrome is a relatively new category, since it was officially recognized in the
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) for the first time in 1994.
Since AS itself shows a range or spectrum of symptom severity, many individuals who
might meet criteria for that diagnosis are viewed as “unusual” or “just different,” or are
misdiagnosed with conditions such as Attention Deficit Disorder.
The new DSM-4 criteria for a diagnosis of AS include the presence of:
ï The impaired use of nonverbal behaviors to regulate social interaction, failure to ï
develop age-appropriate peer relationships, lack of spontaneous interest in sharing ï
experiences with others, and lack of social or emotional reciprocity.
 Restricted, repetitive, and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities involving: preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted pattern of interest, inflexible adherence to specific nonfunctional routines or rituals, stereotyped or repetitive motor mannerisms, or preoccupation with parts of objects.

2. How common is Asperger Syndrome?
AS is much more common than previously realized and many adults are undiagnosed. Studies suggest that AS is considerably more common than “classic” Autism.  Whereas Autism has traditionally been thought to occur in about 4 out of every 10,000
children, estimates of Asperger Syndrome have ranged as high as 20-25 per 10,000. A study carried out in Sweden , concluded that nearly 0.7% of the children studied had symptoms suggestive of AS to some degree. Time Magazine notes in its May 6, 2002 issue
cover story, “ASD is five times as common as Down syndrome and three times as common as juvenile diabetes.”

3. All of us have symptoms like these at times. Are we all Aspergers?
Many describe living with an Aspie as “water torture.” It is the constant drip, drip, drip of small thoughtless behaviors that destroys the relationship. The lack of eye contact, the
obsessive/compulsive behaviors, the adherence to rigid routines, the self absorption, the social anxiety, all lead to family members feeling like they just cannot connect with their Asperger family members. But it isn’t so much the unusual behaviors that make the connecting difficult, but the inconsistency. Never knowing what is coming next, makes a loving connection very difficult.

4. What distinguishes Asperger thinking from normal thinking?
Asperger Syndrome (AS) is demonstrated by deficits in communication, social skills and reciprocity of feelings. The Aspie knows what they think and feel but are often unaware of
what their loved ones think or feel. With limited empathy for others, you can’t really connect. So those with Asperger Syndrome go through life focused on their needs and wants often missing what is going on with others. This does not mean that they don’t feel
or love but they don’t seem to notice what is going on with others and do not convey that they care.

5. What is mind blindness?
Most of our communication and interpersonal relating is nonverbal in nature. The person with Asperger Syndrome has trouble reading these nonverbal cues and therefore ignores
the bulk of communication. This mind blindness leaves the spouse wondering if she is understood or cared for or trusted by her Aspie partner.

6. Can men with Asperger Syndrome love?
All people can feel love. It’s a matter of quality in a relationship with an AS adult. The AS man never seems to learn that his wife can’t feel his love if he does not demonstrate it.
He will do what he thinks is best for the both of them but seldom talks to her about her feelings or opinions. And if she tries to share her love for him, he may find her need to “connect” smothering. Often these relationships are without sexual intimacy.

7. Why can’t these men connect?
If you don’t have much of an interior life yourself and you cannot comprehend the interior
life of another, then connection is very difficult. An Aspie husband and Neuro-typical (NT) wife are often described as like two insulated wires wrapped around each other, . . . touching but not connecting.

8. Why do Asperger men and Neuro-typical women get married?
AS men are attracted to strong, intelligent, compassionate women who can handle the social world for them. These same women are attracted to the unconventional nature and boyish charm of AS men. They feel he will allow them their independence. It is only later that they learn their AS partner is quite conservative. Instead of supporting her independence the NT wife realizes that her AS husband is merely disinterested in her interests. His attention is narrowly focused on his interests.

9. Are there women with Asperger Syndrome?
Yes and their lives are probably even more complex than their male counterparts. To some
extent, males with Asperger’s are more accepted because their behavior is viewed as extreme male thinking. But women with Asperger Syndrome are viewed as cold, uncaring,
and selfish. Many AS women never marry or they marry AS men.

10. What kind of parents are people with Asperger Syndrome?
We are just learning about this tragedy from adults coming forward to tell about being
raised by AS parents. So far these people are reporting that they have coped with severe
depression and self esteem problems because they lived with a parent who could not nurture them or get to know who they really are. It is very debilitating to experience emotional rejection daily as a child, even if your physical needs are provided for. This does
not mean the AS parent does not love their child. But the communication and relating deficits confuse the child and can lead to the child feeling unloved.

11. Why is it so emotionally debilitating for NTs to live with these people?
When the person you love does not respond to your bids for affection, or attempts to share your inner world, you come to doubt your perception of reality. Slowly your self-
esteem is eroded. You walk on eggshells wondering what abuse the AS parent or spouse will dish out next. If your mate, child or parent has not yet been diagnosed, you do not know that they have a developmental disability. So you keep trying to reach them or solve the problem and often blame yourself. You find a way to cope and often this creates severe depression or extreme resentment. Many NTs who have grown up with AS parents report a lifetime of severe depression, “nervous breakdowns” and a string of broken
relationships because they came to believe that they had no worth. Remember it is the child’s experience that defines the parenting, not whether the AS parent loves their child.

12. What do you mean by walking on eggshells in an Asperger marriage?
Men with undiagnosed AS often feel as if their spouse is being ungrateful or “Bitchy” when she complains he is uncaring or never listens to her. He knows what he thinks and how he feels, so should she. He has no need to understand her so her complaints are bothersome to him. He can come to be quite defensive when she asks for clarification or a little sympathy. The defensiveness turns into verbal abuse (and sometimes physical abuse) as the husband attempts to control the communication to suit his view of the world.

13. Is there a cure for Asperger Syndrome or for the marriage?
Asperger Syndrome is an incurable form of autism. The usual methods of psychotherapy used to teach clients communication and interpersonal skills will not work with AS. The AS
client can master some simple behaviors to get them by in the world, but they will fall short in the intimacy of marriage. In the marriage the NT spouse will need to adapt to the handicap. She must learn to translate the language to make her needs and wants as explicit as possible because her partner cannot read her non-verbal communication. She must also look to others for the type of personal and spiritual connection she can never have with her husband.

14. How can you have a marriage without connecting personally or spiritually?
Again it is a matter of quality. If you have many interests in common, such as music or sports, you may enjoy the companionship of your AS spouse. However, the strain of
raising children who may have inherited AS from their parent, often puts an end to the marriage. The NT spouse cannot handle the loneliness and abuse, and care for dependent children as well. Often she is the one to finally call an end to the marriage. On the other hand, some NT spouses report that the marriage can be quite gratifying if their AS spouse acknowledges his limitations and works with his wife to create a kind of loving connection.

15. What can you expect if you divorce an AS man?
Unfortunately he will not understand why the woman wants a divorce and he is likely to be quite angry about it. Not knowing how to handle his distress he may turn the energy into
revenge. Many high conflict divorces are the result of the negativity and obsessing of the AS partner regarding the wrongdoing he perceives of his NT spouse. It is likely to be a
long, painful and expensive divorce where all suffer, including the children. Some men with AS, however, just leave quietly and never remarry, because they cannot quite figure
out how to rebuild a life separately from their former spouse. Some NT former spouses report that their ex-husband even still refers to her as his “wife” years after the divorce.

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